Poor Communication

Conventional wisdom (and research) says that good communication can improve relationships, increasing intimacy, trust and support. The converse is also true: poor communication can weaken bonds, creating mistrust and even contempt! Here are some examples of negative and even destructive attitudes and communication patterns that can exacerbate conflict in a relationship. How many of these sound like something you’d do?

1. Avoiding Conflict Altogether:

Rather than discussing building frustrations in a calm, respectful manner, some people just don't say anything to their partner until they're ready to explode, and then blurt it out in an angry, hurtful way. This seems to be the less stressful route--avoiding an argument altogether--but usually causes more stress to both parties as tensions rise, resentments fester, and a much bigger argument eventually results. It's much healthier to address and resolve conflict. These assertiveness communication skills can help you to say things in a way where you will be more likely to be heard, without being disrespectful to the other person.

2. Being Defensive:

Rather than addressing a partner's complaints with an objective eye and willingness to understand the other person's point of view, defensive people steadfastly deny any wrongdoing and work hard to avoid looking at the possibility that they could be contributing to a problem. Denying responsibility may seem to alleviate stress in the short run, but creates long-term problems when partners don't feel listened to and unresolved conflicts and continue to grow.

3. Overgeneralizing:

When something happens that they don’t like, some blow it out of proportion by making sweeping generalizations. Avoid starting sentences with, "You always," and, "You never," as in, "You always come home late!" or, "You never do what I want to do!" Stop and think about whether or not this is really true. Also, don't bring up past conflicts to throw the discussion off-topic and stir up more negativity. This stands in the way of true conflict resolution, and increases the level of conflict. Sometimes we're not aware of the ways the mind can blow things out of proportion. This list of common cognitive distortions can get in the way of healthy relationships with others, and can exacerbate stress levels. See which ones may be familiar to you.

4. Being Right:

It's damaging to decide that there's a "right" way to look at things and a "wrong" way to look at things, and that your way of seeing things is right. Don't demand that your partner see things the same way, and don't take it as a personal attack if they have a different opinion. Look for a compromise or agreeing to disagree, and remember that there's not always a "right" or a "wrong," and that two points of view can both be valid.

5. "Psychoanalyzing" / Mind-Reading:

Instead of asking about their partner's thoughts and feelings, people sometimes decide that they "know" what their partners are thinking and feeling based only on faulty interpretations of their actions--and always assume it's negative! (For example, deciding a late mate doesn't care enough to be on time, or that a tired partner is denying sex out of passive-aggressiveness.) This creates hostility and misunderstandings. It's important to keep in mind that we all come from a unique perspective, and work hard to assume nothing; really listen to the other person and let them explain where they are coming from.

6. Forgetting to Listen:

Some people interrupt, roll their eyes, and rehearse what they're going to say next instead of truly listening and attempting to understand their partner. This keeps you from seeing their point of view, and keeps your partner from wanting to see yours! Don't underestimate the importance of really listening and empathizing with the other person! These listening skills are important to bear in mind.

7. Playing the Blame Game:

Some people handle conflict by criticizing and blaming the other person for the situation. They see admitting any weakness on their own part as a weakening of their credibility, and avoid it at all costs, and even try to shame them for being "at fault." Instead, try to view conflict as an opportunity to analyze the situation objectively, assess the needs of both parties and come up with a solution that helps you both.

8. Trying to "Win" The Argument:

I love it when Dr. Phil says that if people are focused on "winning" the argument, the relationship loses! The point of a relationship discussion should be mutual understanding and coming to an agreement or resolution that respects everyone’s needs. If you’re making a case for how wrong the other person is, discounting their feelings, and staying stuck in your point of view, your focused in the wrong direction!

9. Making Character Attacks:

Sometimes people take any negative action from a partner and blow it up into a personality flaw. (For example, if a husband leaves his socks lying around, looking it as a character flaw and label him "inconsiderate and lazy," or, if a woman wants to discuss a problem with the relationship, labeling her "needy," "controlling," or "too demanding.") This creates negative perceptions on both sides. Remember to respect the person, even if you don't like the behavior.

10. Stonewalling:

When one partner wants to discuss troubling issues in the relationship, sometimes people defensively stonewall, or refuse to talk or listen to their partner. This shows disrespect and, in certain situations, even contempt, while at the same time letting the underlying conflict grow. Stonewalling solves nothing, but creates hard feelings and damages relationships. It’s much better to listen and discuss things in a respectful manner.

Monitoring an Performance review.

Monitoring : 

Once expectation are known, your team members will go forth and try to deliver what is expected of them. It is important for your to monitor what is actually being delivered and to review performance with team members on regularly basis. At these review meetings team members should be able to identify for themselves whether they have delivered their target and objectives, although from time to time you might have additional information and observations, particularly in relation to standards. Where performance meets the expectation, this should be acknowledged and praised.

Where performance falls short of the expectation, the reasons of the shortfall need to be explored, openly and honestly. An action plan should then be put in place to correct or make up the shortfall.

When your staff exceed the expectation or meet particularly challenging objectives, the praise should be emphatic. Your should go out of your way to make sure that their exceptional performance is both recognised and appreciated.

The other thing you should be thinking about when staff over perform is how you are going to find the right balance between maintaining motivation while stretching future performance. If you suddenly hike up their target by 20%, may be they will see it as  a punishment for performing well and become demotivated. You will need to engage them in a skillful dialogue that focuses on what they expect of their own performance based on how well they have done so far.

The performance review :


The formal performance review often known as appraisal process is not a form filling excercise to statisfy the human resources department, neither it is a "school report" and nor should there be any surprises. If you are doing your job well, best practice dictates that you will reviewing staff performance regularly and doing everything required of the performance review process whether there is a formal appraisal system in place or not. In other words, the performance review process fits in with or supports good leadership practice rather than the other way around.

Overview  :

1. Review the performance that has taken place against expectation.
2. Planning the future performance expectations
3. Reviewing the job description
4. Reviewing the development that has taken place.
5. Planning future development.

The majority of the inputs to this discussion should come from staff members. Your role is to guide the discussion by asking right question, ensuring objectivity and making additional assertions where necessary. The two areas where you are likely to provide a higher inputs to the discussion are in planning future performance expectation and planning future development. Nonethless, the more of it that comes from the individual, the more powerful it is likely to be.

• Encourage your staff to take ownership of the review process. Get them to come along prepared with evidence and examples to support their achievements. Let them drive the discussion as long as it remains on track. The more they take ownership of their own performance, the more likely they are to deliver. It is also an opportunity to ensure their development is on track and for them to express any support requirements they may have.

Frequency of review :  An annual appraisal process is insufficient for regular performance reviews. Many companies have recognized this and are moving towards half yearly or querterly reivew. While this is a good move, you should probably be conducting regular reviews even more frequently. This is where it can be useful to refer back to the competency based leadership model and think in terms of the general competence of the person as a whole rather than on task by task basis. The following guidelines show how frequently performance reviews should take place.

General Level 1 Competence : Weekly Review

General Level 2 Competence : Monthly Review

General Level 3 Competence : Monthly  Review

General Level 4 Competence : Quarterly Review

A regular performance review meeting should have exactly the same components as the formal review meeting. While these meetings are less formal than the documented appraisal process, you should still keep records of the key outcomes of the meeting. In particular, if there is any under performance, a record of the action plan should be circulated to the staff member, in writing after review meeting.

Dealing with Under Performance :

In most cases under performance can be successfully addressed by identifying it early on, discussing it with the individual and putting in place an action plan that will get performance back on track. 

Continued under performance is, or at least should be, a valid reason for dismissing or redeploying an individual. Of course, you have to work within the employment  laws of the country involved. You are not expected to be an employment law expert and you should engage the human resource department at the earliest opportunity once it becomes apparent that an underperfomance issue might go down disciplinary route.

In general terms, it is unlikely that disciplinary action can commence unless appropriate development and performance improvement opportunities have been presented to the individual. This is not as cumbersome as it sounds. If you have been following best practices in terms of development and performance and keep good written records, then it is likely that the human resource dept will be able to progress to the disciplinary stage expeditiously.

If you have an individual who is trying hard but is simply not very well suited to the role they are in, the organization might benefit from redevelopment. If the individual is capable but not performing bacause of a lack of efforts, it normally better all round to go down a disciplinary path that will lead to dismissal if performance does not improve. Redeployment in these instances is likely to be counter productive to the organization's success.

If you are following practice : Recruiting the right people, developing them in relevant competency areas, conducting regular performance reviews around known expectations and as we shall see, helping to motivate them, delegating effectively, managing workloads appropriately and creating an inspiring team working environment then you are unlikely to encounter continued under performance very often, if at all.

Informal Communicaiton :
One of the most powerful things you can do to drive performance is to communicate regularly with your team members. By this, I don't mean micro managing them. Informal communication is about being touch with your staff on a day to day basis, making sure support is available if they need it keeping your finger on the pulse with regards to issues of the day and showing that you are part of the team as well as leading it.

Sometimes they will need your inputs or help in removing a barrier, other times they will need energising or, perhaps, a team member might need to let off steam. Part of becoming a brilliant leader is developing  an intuition for what is required to keep your team at optimum performance while ensuring they are also comfortable wit your presence.

Also Read : Motivation